With February being the month of love and the celebration of Valentine’s, we introduce the first of many interactive advice columns titled “He Said, She Said” where two of our male writers and two of our female writers share advice, wisdom, and provide insight based on questions from YOU! Our readers are our friends and we hope to help out in any way possible.
Whether you’re single in general or newly single, it’s important to embrace your singlehood.
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If your friends are dating or may be getting married, having kids—that quickly leads to depressing feelings and immense upset but that really shouldn’t be the case. With the holidays and especially around Valentine’s Day, you don’t need to think of the day as being a constant reminder that you’re not in a relationship and you don’t have that handsome man or gorgeous woman at your side.
Being single can be one of the greatest relationship statuses in your life and there is plenty to be thankful for and even enjoy a day like Valentine’s. Our writers share their advice with Anna of Lee’s Summit, Missouri who is feeling a little uncomfortable and blue since her break-up and unsure of how to embrace her new status without having a significant other.
Andrew says…
My best suggestion for Anna would be to find other ways to fill the void. I find that if you give yourself time to think about unpleasant things, you will inevitably think about them. It’s okay, for example, to make single friends to spend Valentine’s Day with. It’s okay to spend the holidays with family or go places and do things on that day and enjoy that instead. For example, one of my good friends broke up with her boyfriend of a number of years just before Valentine’s Day. My boyfriend lives in the States and I live in Canada. So both of us would have had a pretty crappy day, but instead we went to get Indian food, bought each other little presents and went to a John Mayer concert. Nothing romantic about it, just two friends having fun. Making someone else’s day better often helps your’s get better. Just remember that!Layne says…
Twelve years is a long time no matter how you spin it or what it relates to, and so it will definitely take some time to adjust. Your reaction is normal! I think it’s okay to allow yourself to mope around a little bit (having a good cry really helps me a lot), but don’t let that be all that you do. Maybe there is something you have wanted to do or a place you have wanted to go by yourself or with other friends that you haven’t gotten around to—go do that! I’ve found that, like Andrew said, if you occupy yourself and stay busy, your mind won’t wander to unhappy thoughts quite as much.
In terms of your friends and family, maybe if you talked it out with them and explained your behavior and why you feel how you feel, they would understand and it would become easier for all of you.
Also, you aren’t obligated to celebrate Valentine’s Day, so if you don’t want to, you don’t have to! There are so many others out there in similar situations as you, so just remember that you’re not alone in this!
Stephen says…
Breaking up is never an easy thing. Breaking up from a twelve year relationship is a hardship. A lot can, and has happened to you in twelve years. Habits are formed and dependencies made, happiness and sadness experienced in varying measures. However, the last thing you expect, no matter how difficult the relationship became, there was always a part of you that thought it would never end.
If you forgive the slightly inapt comparison, a long term relationship can be a lot like a prison. I am not suggesting that it was a terrible experience, but on the outside of your relationship things have changed, a lot has happened and you are doubtlessly going to feel some anxiety and discomfort with such a massive change. The cringing at other couples is completely natural, and quite frankly it would seem rather odd if you weren’t a little upset at being faced with what you have lost.
Don’t feel that because everyone else is moving so quickly in life that you need to follow suit. Your friends are there for you, and will not see you as a third wheel. They understand how painful this has been and I am confident will want to give all that they can to make sure that you are coping. Now is the time to take stock of where you are, and to an extent become familiar with who you are again. It hasn’t been just you for so long that maybe a little time spent by yourself wouldn’t be the worst thing.
It is completely understandable that you don’t want to go to parties, and perhaps don’t want to socialize, especially on days of significance. But let me put it this way, Valentine’s Day is going to be hard to get passed, but it is a card giving holiday. You don’t need to do anything for it if you don’t feel like it. Skip it completely if you want to. As for the Christmas holidays and your birthday, those days are about family and you.
Take some time, be sad if you want to, cry until you can’t any more if it will help, but at the end of it just make sure that you realize things will get easier. It’s okay to want to be sad, you just need to be able to come out the other side when you have let it all out.
You are going to be able to start again, and make a new life for yourself. I know I said that the maybe the prison metaphor didn’t work, but maybe it did, maybe you escaped…maybe you’re free.
Rebecca says…
My advice for Anna would be to first off, do not dwell on his absence. While it will be difficult because he’s been such a big part of your life for so long; it is not impossible. Begin with little things. Do a different morning routine or go out to a restaurant that he may not have liked but you always wanted to try. Pick up and begin your new life without him. However, it is not a bad thing to be single for awhile. Enjoy the freedom for a while. Date, flirt, enjoy some YOU time. Being single is not something that has to weigh you down, but can be an uplifting chance to re-evaluate what you want from a future boyfriend or husband. Once you feel you’ve gotten over him as much as possible (give yourself TIME to get over him), then enter the playing field again. If the holidays are making you nervous, spend them with friends or family! For Valentine’s Day for example, I’m going to a see a new romantic drama and to dinner with other single friends. I have no doubt I’ll enjoy the day just as much as if I had a boyfriend–even if it is a different type of enjoyment. When Thanksgiving or Christmas comes around, just focus on surrounding yourself with the family that believes and loves you unconditionally.
Layne says…
I just want to say that I totally agree with Rebecca, especially that last bit. Anna, although it doesn’t sound like you think this from your story, remember that you can be just as happy, successful, etc., without a guy. Your relationship status does not define you! You have the power to decide how you will respond to this situation and hopefully you will grow stronger because of it!
Andrew says…
I totally agree with Rebecca and Layne. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being single. It allows you to prioritize different things (like yourself!) and learn to be independent. Even when you’re in a relationship, these are important skills to have. You need to be able to put your own needs first sometimes and to live happily when your significant other is away or out with friends. Like Layne said, use this time to figure out what you really want in life and in the meantime, have fun!
If you seek advice from our writers, email us at thehudsuckerblog@gmail.com! Perhaps your question will be featured in our next installment.
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