About the Post

Author Information

The Hudsucker is an online magazine made up of unique and dedicated writers with fresh voices from across the country and overseas. Our team of writers are passionate and driven, bringing forth their personalities in each article. Since its inception in 2012, The Hudsucker has continuously proven how writing is our strongest fingerprint. By creating a smart and ambitious environment for readers, the digital magazine focusing on popular culture aims to be relatable through experiences and passions.

He Said, She Said: Struggles in a Marriage Meet Confusion in a Friendship

With February being the month of love and the celebration of Valentine’s, we continue our series “He Said, She Said” where two of our male writers and two of our female writers share advice, wisdom, and provide insight based on questions from YOU! Our readers are our friends and we hope to help out in any way possible.

Whether it be a marriage, courtship, or being in a simple friendship, relationships aren’t easy and many will face obstacles along the way. One of the hardest questions we might ever have to deal with though in our love life is if a relationship has gone sour, do we hold on or simply let go?

Image Credit: Getty Images/Fabrice LeRouge

Image Credit: Getty Images/Fabrice LeRouge

Healthy and strong relationships are the best support one can have in their life. They make you feel good about yourself and who you are. A positive and good relationship can not only strengthen your health, your mind and sociability, but all aspects of your life.

However, if a relationship isn’t working and hasn’t been working for years despite efforts put in by either party, it can become an emotional strain on one’s apperception. Relationships like marriage or a friendship are investments and need to be looked after because the more you put in, the more you will ultimately get back.

This week we hear from Ben of Middleton, New York who is facing a dilemma not just in his marriage, but emotional mindset as he is confused about a friendship he has with a woman who he has known for a good part of his life. On one side of the spectrum, he is emotionally detached from his spouse but on the other, he is truly content with this female friend who happens to live on the west coast and despite the distance, seems to understand him more so than his wife. Our writers share their advice with the bewildered Ben.

He Said She Said - Ben February 8 2013

Bo says…

Ben, being confused in the situation you are currently in sounds completely natural. We are taught in traditional American society that the worthy endeavor is to be faithful to the one person that an individual chooses to be married to. Kudos for you for all of the work that you have put into your marriage and for not giving up. Personally, I think the excuse of scheduling used by your wife is absurd. To make a union work (married or not) sometimes one has to MAKE time. Your attempts to do group counseling are also commendable, and the fact that your wife does not see it as necessary is worrisome. My main advice is to not threaten your long-distance friendship. It sounds like there was a reason for you and your friend to have been reconnected. If she understands you and makes you feel better, then this is a friendship that should be celebrated. Talking to a friend is not cheating on your wife. Your friend may even be able to help you work through your marriage issues, since your wife is unwilling to work with you. Continue to attempt to save your marriage, but know that in modern society it would not be inappropriate to break ties should the union continue to be unhealthy for both parties involved. At the end of the day, you can only be honest and express your thoughts and opinions. But don’t lose the one person who may understand how you “tick” better than anyone else!

Cathie says…

Ben, your confusion over this situation makes perfect sense. You have two people in your life that are important. One is giving you things that you wish the other would. Marriage is work. Some may not like that saying, however like any relationship, you have to put effort into it. This includes communication, having time together, and doing what you can to understand one another. You can understand without agreeing, however when you’re failing to mesh on some very key elements, it does come into question what it is that is happening and where are things really going?  I do suggest, if you haven’t done so already, to clue your friend in on the distance you’re needing to keep. You say she won’t be mad, however, as it is with your wife, you need to be communicative in this relationship as well. You are married and you are being true to your vows, but you also need to be true to yourself. An unhappy person does not make for a successful relationship. While you’re striving to not hurt those you care for, who is looking after you?  The only person that can answer these questions is you. Ask yourself what it is that you really want, then ask if it’s something you can have. What will it take to make that happen? You seem like a really good guy, I hope you find your answers.

Kevin says…

I agree with Bo’s words of encouragement to maintain your connection with this long-distance friend. It seems that you feel caught between these two women. You are married to one woman but no longer have a healthy relationship with her, and have reunited with an old friend who you say “can read my mind and still get me while all the way on the other side of the country”. I hesitate to make a quick judgment because of my limited knowledge of your relationships, but I can say that a connection like that is worth paying attention to! Understanding and empathy are huge factors in a functional relationship.

It is certainly a complicated situation, and only you know what is best for your marriage. However, it does sound like your wife is not making an honest effort to repair the marriage. It also sounds like you are not comfortable making any further moves toward a relationship with the long-distance friend while you are still married. Considering these impressions are correct, my best advice is to evaluate your relationship with your wife and decide where to go from here. Is she interested in getting the marriage back on track? What kind of effort is she willing to put forth to heal and repair your relationship? These are only suggestions of questions you can ask yourself, and only you have the answers to. Take a good long time considering what is healthy for you and what you need to do to be a happier person. Let the thoughts sit on your mind before making a quick decision. You will know the answer in time. You are clearly a thoughtful and respectful guy. Don’t take less than you deserve.

Katherine says…

Ben, I have to agree with the advice of my fellow writers, but in the end, only you know what’s best for you. Marriages are a lot of work, and it can be hard when you feel like you’re putting in all the effort, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t worth it either. I think you should continue your friendship with your long-distance friend. Echoing Bo’s thoughts, maintaining a friendship with this woman isn’t cheating on your wife, and the way you describe it, it seems like you two definitely have a connection, and it would be a shame to completely let go of that. Perhaps set some ground rules for yourself about the type of communication you’ll have with her or the things you feel comfortable talking about until you’ve sorted out the issues in your marriage? But make sure to be honest–with her, with your wife, and ultimately with yourself. In the end only you know what’s right for you, and it’s important to make sure you’re listening to what you need and what you want. Best of luck!

If you seek advice from our writers, email us at thehudsuckerblog@gmail.com! Perhaps your question will be featured in our next installment.

While our team of writers have given their advice with the best of intentions, they nor anyone of this site assume responsibility for your actions or the results of them.


Tags: , , , , , , ,

No comments yet.

Leave A Reply [Invalid Emails Will Be Marked As Spam]

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: