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He Said, She Said: Emotional Disconnect

With February being the month of “love” and the celebration of Valentine’s, we continue our series, “He Said, She Said” where two of our male writers and two of our female writers share advice, wisdom, and provide insight based on questions from YOU! Our readers are our friends and we hope to help out in any way possible.

Communication is an important factor in any relationship and when you have problems with your spouse or partner, an emotional connection is key in sustaining the affection and bond between both of you. Without it, a relationship sees many problems ahead.

Image Credit: Getty Images/Val Thoermer

Marriage is a big leap and before making it to the alter, many must make sure they are emotionally adept and able to be communicative with their future spouse. Communication is key and after many years of routine it can get lost in the responsibilities of life, parenting, and socialization, causing damage between the two. A damaged relationship sees one spouse or both suffering through an emotional disconnect. Without sustaining friendship and communication and an emotional connection in marriage, relationships can quickly become stale and deteriorate into a lonely existence for one or both when emotional intimacy is lost. In cases like this, the couple grows greatly unhappy and the union between the two becomes quiet, resentful, or angry. At this point, there is a greater risk for extramarital affairs, both physical and emotional as needs are not being met and that’s when divorces occur.

When a couple suffers from an emotional disconnect, repercussions become detrimental on the union. Marriage, like any relationship takes a common strength from both involved in order to overcome such a detachment.

This week we hear from Emily of Windsor, Ontario, Canada who is feeling a little lost in her marriage and suffering from emotional detachment. She appreciates her husband but cannot find a reason anymore as to why she’s not interested in spending time with him or being intimate. Our writers share their advice with the confused Emily.

He Said She Said - February 15 2013

Kelly says…

My first thought reaction after reading your question was that something is definitely “misplaced” in your relationship. I say misplaced because I don’t think it’s totally lost. Marriage, just like relationships, always has its ups and downs and certainly has its obstacles that have to be overcome. In your specific situation, you do need to ask yourself what is going on. When you talked about being intimate with your husband, you said that sometimes you do have sex and that you enjoy it, but that you are sort of “relieved” when it is over. Relieved? Definitely not a good response, to put it lightly. Intimacy should be something that is always positive, totally enjoyed, and appreciated by both parties involved.

I believe that the root of all problems is with the source. Is there something else going on in your life that is stressing you out or making you feel sad/lonely more than usual? If your husband is still the same husband, than I would take a critical look into your own life and see if something is going on that is drawing your own attention. Sometimes in life things happen that we can’t control, either by bad timing or just plain old bad luck, and we make those suffer who are closest to us in response. Or, like in your case, we change. We stop being the vibrant, full of color people we always have been and are replaced by a figure, a ghost, that lacks interest in our once enjoyed hobbies, people, and relationships that once held such an important place in our lives. Take a look at yourself, and you might just discover that the problem has been smaller than you thought all along.

Andrew says…

I agree with Kelly but I would offer you another piece of advice: don’t be afraid to talk to your husband about this. It is, of course, difficult to tell your partner that you are feeling these things but it can help you work through them. Like Kelly said, the intimacy should be enjoyable for both of you. Perhaps you can find a way to make it so. Maybe your relationship is lacking the give and take necessary to make it work to it’s fillest potential.

But it is not a terrible thing to enjoy your alone time. Maybe by talking to your husband, you can work out a time (once a week, once a month) where both of you spend an afternoon, a day or a weekend apart. Maybe then you’ll realize what you miss about him when he’s gone. I, like Kelly, believe that whatever you had has just been misplaced and with a little work, you can get it back. Good luck!

Desi says…

I think Kelly is right. You say that you’ve been together since high school, and that you were crazy about each other then. Certainly, you’re not the same person you were in high school—your husband probably isn’t either. The first thing to do is to talk to him about it—maybe he’s feeling the same way. Maybe counseling is a good solution – starting with yourself, since symptoms of depression often include loss of interest in sex and feeling “disconnected” from loved ones, or couples therapy with him. A therapist might be able to introduce ways for you and your husband to fall in love again.

If you don’t think counseling is the way, try introducing things from your early courtship to spark those feelings again—did you have to park in an empty parking lot to avoid getting caught by parents? Can you recreate your first date? Sometimes we fall into such routines in relationships that things (including sex) can start to feel like a chore to check off a “to-do” list. Revisiting some of these old activities could ignite some of those feelings you’re missing.

Drew says…

Okay, I kind of feel that someone needs to be devil’s advocate here…

How do you think he feels about this? If you haven’t talked about it yet, then I would guess that he probably feels like this is somehow his fault; like he has done something wrong. I think the most important thing that you need to go away and think about is: are you still in Love with him? If you are, then there’s nothing that you can’t get through if you face it together. Short answer: talk about it. It’s the secret to a happy marriage.

If you seek advice from our writers, email us at thehudsuckerblog@gmail.com! Perhaps your question will be featured in our next installment.

While our team of writers have given their advice with the best of intentions, they nor anyone of this site assume responsibility for your actions or the results of them.


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2 Comments on “He Said, She Said: Emotional Disconnect”

  1. Rene D March 13, 2015 at 4:41 am #

    oftentimes, we dont want to look at the facts……..take some time out to really look at why you are feeling this way. Have you changed? has he changed? are you unfulfilled? feeling incomplete? are your wants different? are his expectations different? who or what is the monkey in the room here?

    Then…. when you have figured out what the real issue is or think you know what the real issue is ….- have the chat with hubby……sometimes its just a phase one goes through while adjusting to ones inner change or growth. Been married 19 years and communication is key…..I’ve gone through much heartache and pain and confusion and inflicted much the same on my partner over the years because of not having “the chat” about things that mattered. We are sometimes so busy putting up the happy face in-front of others that we are afraid to really look at whats going on.

    Its important to talk and its important to know your truth and not be afraid to look at it and own it. Everything doesnt have to be drastic…….it doesnt mean you will end up divorced…or leaving each other – its just something that needs clearing up or understanding. You loved each other enough to take the big step so….with love firmly in place……..work at it – build from trust.

    Good luck
    take care.


  1. He Said, She Said: A Husband’s “Filthy Habits” | The Hudsucker - August 14, 2013

    […] what does one do? As previously mentioned in our column, communication is the key factor in any relationship. No one wants to feel talked […]

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