He Said, She Said: Spicing It Up in The Bedroom

With February being the month of love, we celebrated Valentine’s and introduced “He Said, She Said,” a four part series of advice columns every Friday featuring two of our male writers and two of our female writers. Throughout the weeks they provided insight and wisdom into your questions with hopes to help you out in any way possible.

Sex is a huge portion of any healthy relationship and the key to understanding it better and fulfilling one another’s needs is through communication. Through communicating, one is able to maintain intimacy in a relationship which is crucial to understanding one another, but it isn’t solely about the physical aspect. It’s the act of connecting with someone on an emotionally deeper level and creating a tight bond.

Image Credit: Getty Images/Peter Cade

Even if you and your significant other have been together for years, if sex becomes stale and is neglected through the demands of life, it will likely harm your union and see a ripple effect of negativity in the relationship. Communicating your true desires and interests not only brings about understanding and sexual fulfillment, but maintains the relationship’s intimacy and emotional connection. Sex is about discovery and when a relationship ages, many forget that it’s also about fun. No matter how old you are, keeping the passion alive and maintaining a medium for communication is essential in a healthy union.

Now sex may not be the core of any relationship, but when it is lacking or becomes neglected, it tends to take up a lot of emotional and mental strain on the two involved. Keeping a sexual relationship alive takes great work but as variety is the spice of life, many in relationships carry out their inner-most thoughts and fantasies together through communication. This shows how adventurous, secure and open-minded a couple can be. However, some are left out when attempting to disclose their sexual desires regarding the subject and are immediately shot down for being not what the other expects. It can be very disheartening and upsetting for the one involved as a feeling of insecurity, distrust, and fear of communicating future thoughts appears to be frowned upon through misunderstanding and distorted judgement.

This week we hear from Ryan of Laurel, Maryland who is feeling uncomfortable with sharing his sexual thoughts and fantasies with his long-time girlfriend. Our writers help him crank up the heat in his sex life.

Bo says…

Ryan, kudos for making the relationship last for as long as it has. That is no easy feat, and these things take a lot of work. That being said, I believe that trust is one of the cornerstones of a successful relationship. I think you need to be confident that you can communicate your worries and frustrations to your girlfriend with the faith that she will talk through it with you. The urge to explore new sexual conquests is completely natural. To take it a step further, my big advice would be to communicate your feelings but to then ask her open-endedly what she would like to try that might be on the normal menu. Attempt to really dive into her deepest desires and fantasies. If you can deliver for her, I’m sure she would be more open to exploring the stuff you are interested in. And just o reiterate, a successful partnership means being open to discussing just about everything, from religion to politics to sex. I don’t know how exactly you wanted to spice things up, but I’m sure it could not have been THAT bad. You are not a pervert and you are not disgusting. Don’t get down on yourself, and go please your lady in a way that she has not yet experienced!

Karen says…

Wanting to try something new in a sexual sense is totally normal, especially when one or both of you feel that the sparks in the relationship are fizzling out. I commend you for bringing forth the effort, and you shouldn’t feel disgusting about trying to put the sizzle back and not the fizzle into your relationship. However, sex is a very personal matter and every individual has their own ideas about what they like or may like and what they’re not so hot on. Bo already gave some great advice. I think you should ask your girlfriend what she may be interested in. It shows that you have her desires in mind and you’ll also get a sense of her comfort level. That should open some doors for a continuing and more easygoing exchange of ideas that you both have and are willing to act out with each other.

I think it’s possible to be a little bit sneaky about planting some new ideas into your girlfriend’s head, as long as it’s done in a light-hearted manner and both of you can have a good sense of humor about it if it sounds totally ridiculous at first or forever, because some people may be sensitive to this sort of thing. For example, the next time you and your girlfriend pass by a lingerie storefront, point out the little negligee on the mannequin and tell her that would look really good on her. Or if you two are at home watching a movie on Netflix and the two characters are getting it on pretty hard in the kitchen, wonder out loud “Hey, how come we’ve never tried that?” I know these two examples are probably really cheesy, but hopefully you know where I’m getting at! It can start out as something small to be pondered over and build to something that actually plays out.

Above all, remember that openness is key. You’re not going to see eye-to-eye on everything, but two adults in a long-term relationship such as yourselves have weathered through differences then and can weather through them now. Don’t be afraid to talk out your thoughts, feelings, and ideas (Especially about why you’re even talking about them in the first place—something is missing and you think shaking things up will help fill the void) and listen and respond to hers with care. Then there will come a point where you will just have to let your bodies do all the talking. Good luck!

Tatum says…

It sounds like you received some good sex advice, however, if I’m reading your problem correctly, you and your girlfriend have for some reason grown apart and are in some kind of relationship funk, thus, the dismal sex life. So you are trying to fix the sex, but really, you need to get to the root of the problem. Why the funk? As a woman, just so you know, we don’t bond over sex, we bond on a more deeper, emotional level. Now if it’s simply better sex you want, think of it this way: reconnect with your girlfriend on a more heart to heart level, and I can guarantee you that better sex will just happen naturally. So, what’s wrong with your girlfriend then? Why is she acting so distant lately? Is she going through a really stressful time with work, a BFF or her family? Does she want to talk things out, but you aren’t being a good listener? Does she feel like she is taking on more responsibilities in her life and you are not pulling your weight as a good boyfriend should? The problem may very well be YOU, not her. You’re right that women love to be wooed, but being in tune with her needs, her worries, her aspirations and being there as a shoulder to lean on is also important, it’s like the foundation, then the “romantic” stuff on top of all that is what will make you the best boyfriend ever. Be her knight in shining armor. What obstacles stand in her way right now? Be a man and take care of her, emotionally first, then physically. In fact, at that point, she’ll be taking care of you. Good luck.

Karen says…

I totally agree with what Tatum said. Ryan, I like that you’re willing to please, but if your troubles have gone on for a few years, then something more needs to happen than just having kinkier sex as a way to connect. Sure, that’s bold and there’s no shame in wanting to do that. But what is the real reason you two have been so distant? Why have you two not been communicating very well and why does it bother you that you’re not seeing eye-to-eye anymore? I think you need to think about those things on your own and sit down and have a mature conversation with her about how you both are feeling at this stage in your relationship, and let her talk and listen to her. Bo, Tatum, and I all mentioned before in our own little ways that it’s all about communication and openness. It’s time to put that to work. You can do it. Best wishes!

Matt says…

Ryan, it’s time to sit down with your girlfriend and talk about your relationship status. These problems have been going on for a few years, like you said, and this situation is not something that will magically fix itself over time.

Communication is the foundation of my relationship and is the first thing I work at when issues arise. For now, you should forget about fixing the larger problem solely through spicing up the sex. What you’re missing is the trust, intimacy, and desire between the two of you that makes the time you spend together special. By opening up about the way she made you feel (after she whole-heartedly shut down your attempts), you’ll start to rebuild that unique connection that brought the two of you together in the first place. If your girlfriend really cares about you and your relationship she shouldn’t judge you for being concerned about your security as a couple. So think about what you want to change and be confident about the direction you want the two of you to head. Find out what’s going through her mind. Do whatever it takes to reopen that channel of communication between the two of you.

A lot of what I just said reaffirms previous comments but here are some things to think about: How often are you having sex? How much has that changed since the beginning of your relationship?  What other aspects of your lives have changed? Maybe new jobs, friendships, or interests have appeared recently – making it harder for both of you to relate to one another.

I’m eager to hear what you think about our advice! I hope you and the girlfriend can take steps towards a healthier sexual connection as well as a stronger overall partnership. Best of luck!

If you seek advice from our writers, email us at thehudsuckerblog@gmail.com! Perhaps your question will be featured in our next installment.

While our team of writers have given their advice with the best of intentions, they nor anyone of this site assume responsibility for your actions or the results of them.