He Said, She Said: Boyfriend Turned Off By Haircut

Image Credit: Favim

Can a haircut dramatically affect your love life? It’s a question many woman wonder before shedding the locks, and it seems that way for some. Writer, Joanna Cox admitted to Elle in 2009 that cutting her hair short drastically changed her dating life. In the next few weeks, Cox would discover the brutal honesty and superficiality her ex-boyfriend prepared her for when she would experience being overlooked by men all because she was a woman with supershort hair.

In a 2011 poll highlighting outer beauty, Pantene surveyed men to discover what they notice first–even before breasts. In the poll, they found out that 74% of men notice women because of their hair, while 44% said that hair is the first thing they notice about a woman, more than her clothes (26%), legs (25%), or makeup (4%). Furthermore, the study uncovered that most men would more likely approach a woman at a bar with gorgeous hair than a woman wearing a low-cut shirt; with 82% indicating that “sexy” hair is an essential element to a woman’s overall sex appeal. The 78% of men surveyed considered healthy hair to be a great turn-on, with 60% going on to saying they would rather date a woman with great hair than with big breasts.

So is hair really that important for a woman? In the 2009 documentary Good Hair—a film expressing the wonders of African-American hair—Dr. Maya Angelou expresses with eloquence that “Hair is a woman’s glory.” Still within a universal context, it makes you wonder why. Even dating back to ancient Egypt, history has reported that a woman’s hairstyle would indicate her age, status, role in society and political importance. With such sentiment, many view hair as a chip for social acceptance and self-worth. The media and celebrities are creating a norm for hair through advertising their lush locks–real or not–even if it’s not attainable for the average person. It might be a crowning glory for some but many women are beginning to proclaim, “I am not my hair,” and going after drastic looks that boost their confidence. After all, we embrace bald men and remain impartial, why not the same attitude towards women?

While it’s true that initial physical attraction gets the ball rolling on a relationship, it isn’t always the case. The truth of the matter is, many in relationships find someone to be more attractive upon discovery of personality, character and a number of things that make them who they are. Physical attraction has the power to grow within experiences, bonding and the growth of friendship. As poetic as it sounds, in such a case the eyes tend to then open up to a deeper beauty from within. As world renown poet and writer Kahlil Gibran says, “Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart.”

This week we hear from Melissa of Glendale, Arizona who wanted to go with a daring new hairdo but is unsure why her boyfriend is suddenly not impressed with her new pixie cut, and why their normally healthy sex life has now fizzled.  Is it true men really don’t like short hair? Is it such a big deal? Our writers cut to the chase and share their thoughts on the hair raising subject.

Desi says…

Hi Melissa! It’s so frustrating to make a change that you love and everyone else seems to hate. I did the same thing a few years ago to a similar response from friends. Since it’s effecting your relationship, it’s a little different than what I experienced. It sounds like your boyfriend doesn’t want to talk about what the real issue is if he is just brushing you off, saying he is “tired.” Were there tensions between the two of you before you cut your hair? This might be magnifying those issues. If it is truly the haircut that has made him distant, he’s right – it will grow out, and things might go back to normal. But I might ask myself if I wanted to be with someone who valued looks so highly. I wouldn’t say that all men don’t like short hair – it’s certainly a personal preference – and to me, it’s not a big deal. It’s a conversation that only your boyfriend can truly shed light on for you. Communicate your feelings to him – that his actions are making you feel insecure and unsexy – and have an open talk with each other. Best of luck!

Kathleen says…

Melissa, good for you for being bold and trying something new! I’ve had several friends cut their hair quite short, but I’ve never been brave enough to take the plunge.  While I can’t say I know exactly what guys like, I do know that your haircut should not be impacting your relationship and sex life in this way. It’s hard not to feel rejected and unattractive when your partner turns you down for sex. However, try your best to not let it get you down. It sounds like it’s an issue he needs to work out, and not an issue with you. If I were you, I would press the issue and get to the bottom of this. If it truly is the haircut, then I second Desi in asking if he’s the type of person you want to be in a relationship with. Best wishes!

Chris says…

I am not sure how long you two have been together, but the question that you may want to ask yourself is whether or not you should continue investing your time in worrying about what he thinks. Honestly, I don’t know any guy who would be that bothered by a haircut. Did you two have an argument before about whether or not you should get it? If not (though honestly, even if it where the case) then I don’t see any reason for him to become distant. 

If he is trying to prove a point or is put off by your hair, I can’t see any advantages in shying away from y’all’s sex life. I’m with Desi, and there may be other issues going on that you may want to talk to him about. Either way, you shouldn’t let anyone’s image of you make you feel inferior. You tried something new because you wanted to, and if it says something about who you are – own it, it’s your decision.  Good luck, Melissa.

P.S. – I’m a guy, and I like short or long hair – especially if it is on someone I care about.

James says…

Melissa, I must say the timing seems a little odd for him to be acting this way. If everything in your relationship was fine up until the infamous haircut, then it seems your boyfriend is definitely bothered by your new hairdo. Could there possibly be another issue deep down that’s bothering either of you? I ask because it’s hard to believe a hairstyle change would affect someone (you’re presumably in love with) that drastically. Sure, seeing a completely new ‘do might be somewhat strange at first. But to have it alarmingly impact your love life deserves a conversation.

I realize there’s a lot of pressure, especially for women, to be attractive and live up to a typical male vision of beautiful, but a lot of that starts with confidence. You wanted your hair cut for a reason, and you think it looks great for a reason. It’s important to remember you are more than a haircut. As cliché as it sounds, a person that loves you would never let your physical appearance outweigh the actual person you are. Indeed, a person has to be attracted to the physical features too, but when you fall in love you wouldn’t let something like this impact your love life even if the person were bald.

If I were you, I would go to him showing confidence with a decision I’ve made, and I would straight up say the “grow out” comment was extremely rude with its timing, and it’s really immature if the distance in our most intimate state is because of my hair.

Sorry if this seems harsh, but I almost have no tolerance for people that claim to be in love with their partner and let things like this cause annoyance or pain in the relationship, when they can clearly see it’s causing emotional distress.  Best of luck, and don’t lose your confidence.

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