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He Said, She Said: Husband Wants Kids, But Wife Doesn’t

Fatherhood - Beach

Image Credit: Rob Campbell/Stocksy

They say there is no greater joy in the world than fatherhood. A father’s love is just as important to a child’s development as a mother’s, and sometimes even more so as studies suggest. But what does an eager husband do when he discovers his wife no longer wants to be a mother and have children with him? Where do his dreams of becoming a family man go?

When two people start a relationship, there is an incredibly large list of things that should be discussed before making any life-long commitments. On the list of subjects that should be discussed between the two lovebirds are money and finances, jobs, health insurance, and housing. However, the most important happens to be the decision to have—or not have children. For many people that is one of the first discussions within the first few months of dating and can sometimes become a deal-breaker if it doesn’t go the way you’ve planned.

Two years ago, a user posted on Reddit her concerns on the forum-based website that her soon-to-be husband changed his mind on having children and hinted at the possibility of having a child of their own one day together. Though she discussed the issue with him prior to their engagement, she grew very worried that he would go back on their agreement. Users shared thoughts and advice much to her growing worry, with many expressing how communication was key and that one must consider what it is about fatherhood that appeals to the anticipating husband. Dr. Harriet Lerner, author of “Marriage Rules: A Manual for the Married and the Coupled Up“, shares the same sentiments in her self-help book. In an interview with The Huffington Post, Lerner says, “The party who wants children needs to get clear about whether the wish for a child is greater than the wish for the relationship—or vice versa. Where one lands on this difficult question determines whether one walks—or, alternatively, moves forward with their partner understanding the sacrifice involved.”

Some women and men who choose not to have a child with their partner, cite “happiness” as a factor for their decision to have or have not. In a study with CNN this past year, researchers discovered that there was no significant difference in happiness and life satisfaction between couples with children and couples without. However, they did find childless couples were happier in their relationship than parents, who often experienced more highs and lows in their life. As relationships benefit from everyday gestures, the best advice for parents and childless couples was from co-author, Dr. Jacqui Gabb who says to think differently in regards to what constitutes a relationship to work. “It’s everyday small things that are important to people,” Gabb says. With such advice in mind, it might be best to become more attuned to what’s really going on in our relationships.

This week we hear from Matt of Greensboro, North Carolina who is seeking advice on the subject of fatherhood. He wants to have kids with his wife, but she has changed her mind and does not want children at all. Should Matt simply agree with her or should he move on? Our writers help one more reader as we wrap up and end our month long advice column.

He Said She Said P2 - Matt February 28

Cathie says…

Hello Matt, thank you for writing in. I’m sorry to hear of your current situation as I can tell it’s weighing heavily on you. I’m not married, nor do I have children, but I have considered how I would feel if I were in your shoes. Life is ever changing, and much like a route between point A and B, we often have to take detours.  However, detours still get us to our destination. In saying she doesn’t want kids at all, your wife has changed the destination. As a married couple, this should be a decision you reach together. That is my opinion. It’s clear that being a father is very important to you. I don’t know what the reason is that she has changed her mind about adding children to your married life, and I don’t want to assume anything. I can understand being career focused and proud of herself, however she entered into a union with you. I feel that should be respected with an open communication and a compromise. You asked if you should agree and not want kids either. I don’t believe you can do that, as it’s changing something you’re attached to. Our emotions and desires don’t flip on and off like that, nor should they. You stated that you have a great marriage, and there is a good foundation there. I suggest attempting an open communication with your wife, with the hope that she will acknowledge and understand the importance of this to you. It was once a part of her,  has it completely changed or has she been sidetracked by other things in life?  I really do hope a resolution there can be found. Should it not, the most difficult question you’re going to ask yourself is which means more to you, a childless marriage or becoming a father? I sincerely wish you all the best.

Janna says…

Wow, what a difficult situation you’ve found yourself in – I’m sorry you and your wife are dealing with this. I agree with a lot of what Cathie’s said, honestly. You two entered into a marriage with the thought of kids in your future, and now, her picture has changed. That’s a really tough situation to deal with and compromise in. Have you two sat down and discussed potential reasons for why she’s changed her mind? Could there be lifestyle changes that stereotypically come with children that have her nervous or upset? Maybe now that she’s in a career she’s happy with, she hates the idea of maternity leave, taking time off, and raising children while you continue to work. Maybe she feels your marriage, relationship and social life will suffer if children are brought into your family. Talking to her and finding out why she specifically doesn’t want children will tell you a lot – maybe there are ways for the two of you to compromise, to raise your children in a way that will work for her (ie you taking paternity leave and raising the child while she works). Unfortunately, though, those things may not be the case; it might just be that, in the end, she doesn’t want to be a mother, period. And if that’s where she stands, I wouldn’t recommend forcing the issue – I’ve heard too many stories of loveless or failed marriages that stemmed from a couple’s disagreement on whether or not to have children but deciding to do so anyway. You’re both going to have to decide what’s most important to you for your futures… and, unfortunately, they may no longer be the same thing. Good luck with everything, Matt – I hope things work out for you both and that you’re both able to be happy.

Chris says…

The “kids or no kids” question is a real game-changer, especially when you think the answer has been already established. I am with the ladies on this one and think that you should talk with your wife about what exactly has changed her mind. There could be a ton of things holding her back, or maybe just one? Either way, I doubt that her change of mind is arbitrary, and it may just take some warm and reassuring words from you to help her open up. 

Also, I may suggest sharing with her some of your personal feelings as to “why” you want to have kids with her. It may be better and less threatening than bringing it up after family gatherings and such.

Unfortunately, this kind of thing sounds like it may take a while and may still end without kids. However, if you two can come to understand each other’s particular feelings, then I’m hoping you won’t feel like your marriage has let you down.

James says…

Matt, this is a tough one. Going into a marriage knowing you both want to raise a family, only to have the dreams completely change is probably a huge gut-check. It raises a big question for me. If it were the reason, why would freedom from college and getting a great job steer someone away from kids? That sense of security should ease the situation. Maybe it has something to do with her being scared of the moment now that it’s here. Or maybe she isn’t the same girl you picked out names with years ago.

If you truly feel you’re getting gypped in your marriage, after almost a decade, it might be time to reevaluate your life.  But it’s definitely not time to reevaluate wanting kids. Nothing against folks that don’t want children, but if you’re someone that lives for raising a life you’ve helped create, there’s no changing that. I believe it’s instilled in someone.

A gigantic conversation needs to happen between you and your wife. This is one of those things that can change the entire course of a marriage. Cathie, one of our writers, said it best, “Which means more to you, a childless marriage or becoming a father?” I know it’s harder than it sounds, being married for eight years, but it does take the two of you to work, so a long conversation is a good place to start. Good luck!

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While our team of writers have given their advice with the best of intentions, they nor anyone of this site assume responsibility for your actions or the results of them.

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43 Comments on “He Said, She Said: Husband Wants Kids, But Wife Doesn’t”

  1. nohealanivision March 20, 2014 at 1:27 am #

    Being a woman is very hard; you can’t have your cake and eat it too. Society is against being a mom…go to college, swim in debt, get a good job…now stay there & pay off your debt. Wait, be thin too and pretty and have perfect skin and designer heels and suits. Build good credit, build that resume, find that perfect car and house – be impressive.

    Nothing about having kids will make any of the things on that list easy unless you are very, very rich & even then, money can’t pay for the energy it takes. Then you decide, ok, I’m having kids only to see how beautiful they are and pay someone else to take care of them from 6 a.m. until 6 p.m. for the next decade and that person will know how they tick better than me.
    Around that corner will be high school when they get hormonal and stinky and really expensive and snotty & suddenly have to know who they are enough to choose a college and go down the same path you did.
    OR, rewind a bit and be the Mom that gives up everything society makes you slave for, the degree, the job, the debt, the dream ….then quit your job to do the same things: diapers, laundry, dishes, food prep, the house work, bills, errands, maybe even the lawn work too….over and over and over again for, like, the next few decades. But since you quit your job, you’ll have half the money you had before though you’re doing four times the amount of work and the word “fun” will only include what your child thinks is fun.

    Your husband will be worked down to the bone and come home tired and stressed because you quit your job to raise the kids and even though you chose this together, you’ll lay in bed at 11:30 at night too tired to have sex & wonder why you’re both cranky & the house that once seemed perfect now feels like a shoebox.

    This whole time, Mom’s resume and retirement plan is rotting somewhere in the corner with that dirty sock that no one can find. Kids change everything and you can’t put them back once they are here.
    Flat out ask her, “Do you want kids, even one?” If she says no and she’s in her early 30’s – there’s no hope, she doesn’t want them and she prefers the finer things in life over doing the craziest, most miraculous, most stressful, most rewarding thing a woman was designed to do.
    You then need to move on and make sure your finances are in order to provide a good life for wife #2 & babies. Keep in mind though, most people in their 30’s on marriage number two have baggage and kids of their own – a blended family with X’s involved is also very stressful, not to mention whatever property or money a divorce sucks out of you. Also, you’ll never really know why someone else was divorced until you might discover deep-seeded issues like substance abuse or other serious problems that wife #2 may not have worked through yet. Not a pretty package with a bow on it, but that is life.

  2. Rene D April 26, 2014 at 12:21 pm #

    I am married and have a child – a very beautiful child whom I love. But I would rather pack up my man and put him out than give him another one. Maybe find out if she is tokophobic or if its really just a matter of not wanting children. At 32, she could be pretty set in her ways. Bluntly put – a man helps make it – he doesn’t carry it in his body and he doesn’t have to go through the hormonal shifts and changes nor challenges. Nor does he have to go through birthing the bundle of joy while 5 people are looking between his legs while pushing out something the size of a watermelon through a hole the size of a golf-ball. All this could be quite daunting. And no, there is no measurement for pain nor the humiliation of losing control of your bodily functions in front of total strangers while each one holds a leg and we are just still talking birthing here. So for every man who is going to chirp me on this – let’s have you take a finger in private places while pretty nurses are watching and you are groaning in pain (oh and add the wife for good effect) and lets have your wife hold a leg and a pretty nurse hold the other while you have yourself sterilized without anesthetic. Don’t tell me anything about the epidural, you could get to the hospital too late. Then apart from all this you need to put up with nursing staff and doctors who don’t understand

    Then after all this – you have to still remain NORMAL. You have to return to work and meet deadlines while your heart really wants to be home – you have to put up with the drama of staying out of work if the little darling becomes unwell – you have to get your body back in shape because your man ends up having a problem with all the baby-weight you gain and look pretty and keep the housework up to speed and keep your man happy with his amazing drive. So no, women are not selfish in saying no. Oh and lets add circumcision without anesthetic to that list of must have done before you chirp my comment.

    Oh and for those men who say there are more painful things than childbirth? I’ve been shot in the shoulder and shot in my thigh during a robbery – could handle that pain. Birthing was humiliating, disgusting and painful.

    I look at my child with love and I look at my man with disgust because he wasn’t able to protect my privacy nor stand up for me in the delivery room. So the day he took me in to birth his child was the day he lost me. Daily he says he loves me and even tho I try to love him back – I look at him with hatred.

    If birthing was really more beautiful and women were supported better during birthing and the treatment of women was different, we might be different. But until we are not asked to be what we were not meant to be – we are unable to happily be what we are meant to be or do what we were meant to do. So if she is working alongside you to make it happen, then she has a right to say NO. Also, if you push her to have it and she does and you get it wrong in that delivery room, sooner or later you will pay the price for this.

    Good luck.

    • Lydia November 1, 2014 at 12:59 pm #

      Thank you for your very truthful answer here. I am afraid of having children and I know society literally looks at me (and other women) as if we’re worthless because we are childless. I suffered anorexia for years and even the thought of sexual intercourse was hard for me to be okay with. Idk if my previous mental illness has to do with anything of my fear of having children or not. Your post of what you went through is unbelievably heartbreaking to me. Everything you have expressed is a genuine fear of mine. The expectations for women to be a mom, lose the baby weight, keep the house in order, cook and in many cases also work I really dont see how suicide is not the outcome for more women. I don’t handle stress well and for a while I wanted kids but I keep coming back to this place where it is a genuine fear. My sister in law’s mother died after giving birth which was only 16 yrs ago. I hope people dont give you hate for your comment as it says EXACTLY what I have been feeling but really couldnt describe. My fear is my husband will leave me eventually if I dont have children. I am utterly lost with what to do. I am 26 and he asks me more and more to have children. I dont know what will happen.

      • Rene D February 23, 2015 at 4:24 am #

        I am so sorry to hear about your pain – yes Ive been ridiculed about my opinions but who cares…its my emotions and I’m not the only woman in the world who has experienced this. The problem is – we dont speak out – we dont support each other – we dont help and encourage each other – we dont stand up for ourselves and we dont ask how things can be changed. The condition you have is called Tokophobia – it is a fear of birthing and pregnancy. Pressure from your man is not going to help you overcome your fear. Yet help from people who understand can assist. I know quite a few women who despite this horrible fear – has managed to birth babies and love their lives and their babies.

        I will not attack men or the male brain here – But all I need to say is this – get support and at the end of the day – its about you. You cant raise a happy child from a place of hurting or pain or resentment. What happens if your little angel is a girl…..how many nights wont you be up worrying about her? Please…..love yourself enough to take a stand and if he is not the right man – he is not the right man. My friend was a psychologist – she committed suicide after her baby – her man came home to find her bleeding out in a bath and their 14 week baby on the bed….waiting for him to come home. She had called him just before he left work to find out how far from home he was. So yes – he got what he wanted….he has his baby alright. She suffered from PND and it went undetected. So this is not a joke.

        If there are men out there reading this – wanting a baby is your right but please – come from a place of love and understanding and not passive aggressive BS like with holding intimacy because your women dont want it. Marriage and a union of love is suppose to empower – not harm.

        The right man wouldve asked – how can I help you through this?
        how can we work through this and both get what we want?
        What kind of classes are available – what kind of medical aid do we need to make sure your birthing choice is at least honored.

        Women need to voice their fears and men need to be more present. How can you father your child if you cant even listen to a woman who loves you ??

  3. Simon June 26, 2014 at 1:07 am #

    This is a tough situation to be in and I am sorry that you are going through it. I have to say that I am in a different situation but one where the outcome for me is no child of my own either. Someone above mentioned starting over in your mid 30’s and that many women you meet will have children from a previous marriage. There certainly is some truth to that but it is not a black and white rule. I myself have found myself married for the second time to a woman that I love more than anything else. She has a 9 year old son from her previous marriage and it is also true that the Blended family is certainly not an easy situation either. You get all of the responsibility of being a parent without the love that a biological parent gets. Add to that her Ex is still in the picture as they alternate weeks looking after their child.

    In my situation though earlier in the relationship my wife wanted to have a second child with me however 6 months later she changed her mind saying she didn’t want to be an older mum. She is older than me and I can certainly understand where she is coming from. The million dollar question though is…can I live without wanting a child of my own? You know there are pro’s and con’s to having kids and maybe I am looking at the question through rose colored glasses, I try to compare the love I have for my partner to what I might feel about having a child of my own.

    The answer…well obviously I just don’t know to be honest. The choices you have to make is leave the woman you love on the off chance that you meet someone as special, or stay and accept that having a child won’t be in your future. Both answers to me anyway seem like you can choose a bad situation, or another bad situation. The fear I have is if I stay with my wife…will I wake up in 5 years and resent her for not having a child then resent myself for having stayed and wasted time.

    If you find the answer I would love to know how you reached it.

    Best of luck.

    • Kay May 25, 2015 at 10:19 am #

      Simon, I’m glad you commented because I’m on the complete opposite end of your scenario. My husband came into my life when my son was 6 months old. He has raised my son and now wants one of his own. I love him dearly and am only considering having another child because my husband is so precious to me. But I can’t help but fear that having another child( knowing how much work goes into raising a child especially with societal pressure as stated above) will lead to resentment. I fear that I will resent my child and my husband. I know that if we part I would tie my tubes. But I adore my husband, how can I deny him of the one thing he asks of me, when he gives me everything?

  4. jenn December 11, 2014 at 2:38 pm #

    Hi there. While I understand that you both had a similar perspective going into the marriage, people grow and change. The truth is, if she genuinely doesn’t want children, trying to “talk her into it” or change her mind will only result in her resentment and a worse marriage… even if you end up with the child.

    Not even counting the physical involvement in carrying a child, what your body goes through in childbirth or even nursing it….A woman still carries the majority of childcare responsibilities even when both people in the couple work.

    Women still do the majority of the care taking, meal making, cleaning, feeding, bathing, appointment making/ taking, lunch packing, bedtime, changing, and anything else you can imagine. So, if she says that she is not interested, well, that’s kind of an unfair burden to want to put on her simply because it was your wish.

    If I were you, I’d be supportive of whatever decision she makes and try to talk through that as a couple. Just as you might feel it’s unfair not to have a child, it’s certainly unfair to try to talk someone into a decision that affects the rest of their life as well.

  5. Joanne December 13, 2014 at 8:00 am #

    I think my age must be showing, because I find most of these answers to be kind and warm and supportive, but wrong. Let me put this bluntly: part of the reason you made the huge decision to get married in the first place, in a day and age when marriage is very optional, was that you wanted to have children. That was part of the agreement from your perspective. If children were not going to be part of deal, that’s fine, but it should have been clearly stated right up front. You were definitely misled, so you need to go back to the bargaining table on this issue: “This is a great relationship, but my idea of marriage includes children. If yours does not, and that’s not negotiable, then we’ve got a problem, because my idea of marriage is not negotiable either.”

    As for me, a woman and a highly educated, fully employed professional, I have adult children, and yes, what everyone says about the sacrifice and the trouble and the smell and the cost and the mess is all true and then some. But I’ve always said, “If you weighed kids in the balance — what you give and what you get in return — they’re seriously not worth the cost. But what makes them worth it is love, and that outweighs anything.”

    I’ve also always had dogs. I used to find strays and bring them home when I was a kid, and I was never without one. I was a dog person long before it was cool; long before dog parks and dog sitters and dog counsellors. Everyone knew I loved my dogs and there weren’t many dog lovers around in those days. Here’s the thing: I used to think that loving a kid would be the same as loving a dog, only stronger. Until I had a kid, that is. The love you have for a child (biological or adopted) blows the love you have for a pet out of the water. The two are so far apart in magnitude that they’re not really the same thing. I still have dogs. Had them all through child-rearing, and still couldn’t be without one. The two are not mutually exclusive, but if you want kids, pets will never be a substitute. Kids will give you no end of headache, no end of heartache, no end of worry, and no end of cost, but they will truly be what life is all about. Good luck, buddy. And may you be blessed with many messy little headaches.

  6. Renee December 31, 2014 at 10:24 am #

    I am in this situation – My husband wants kids, and has been up front about this since the beginning. We’ve been a couple for more than 10 years, and I had always thought that I would want kids someday. I have found that I do not want to be a parent. I love children – I worked in a preschool for several years and enjoyed my time with the little ones. I also love that they go home with their parents at the end of the day.

    My husband and I went to couples counseling last year to seek some resolution…while it did help us open up a more honest dialog, this issue is far from resolved. His resentment is steadily building – it’s in the way he responds to me in our everyday interactions… and he is not often able to connect with me intimately.

    He opened up when we were discussing our relationship, I was sad/frustrated – I have been actively seeking intimacy/sex from my husband, and he turned me down…this has happened several times. He told me that he feels “dead inside” because I do not want kids and I do not seem happy about the idea of having pets…he wants these things.

    I hate that I am causing him so much pain – I love my husband, and I do not want kids. I am indifferent about having pets. I do not know how to reconcile our competing wants/goals.

    • Susan February 22, 2015 at 9:01 am #

      If I was in this situation, I would ask a friend if I could babysit their toddler and leave him alone with the baby for 48 hours. See if he still wants it then..

      • Hubby February 24, 2015 at 9:40 pm #

        Hubby here.
        A) I’ve been around children enough to know what I want. Even applied to BB/BS if they will ever get back to me. The age of the child doesn’t matter much and I am (or was) open to adoption. She is not open to being a parent in any way, shape, or form. Period.
        B) I am not foolish enough to think my wife truly wants kids even if she changed her mind tomorrow in an attempt to save the marriage. I wouldn’t go through with it because it could lead to possible resentment. I am also well educated enough about human development to realize the likely decrease in some areas of marital satisfaction ( a U shaped curve ) that often occurs during a child’s youngest years until they gain independence. I do believe that it is worth the effort to have the opportunity to share one’s life and shape the next generation and not at all for religious reasons since I am blissfully free of faith.
        C) It’s difficult to be intimate with someone one thought they knew and now they do not. It is difficult to be intimate when one is unsure of building a life with that person. It is also difficult when emotions get in the way, like when one suspects that the person knew they didn’t really want children due to comments made before purchasing a house and investing in renovations that suggested the spouse didn’t want children and was too cowardly to be brutally honest – leaving the other partner in a position where there is now much more financially to lose if there is a divorce. Also, when one’s wife says that the reason not to have kids was about finances when clearly it was not, or that having kids is not an option if one pursues an advanced degree and then when the husband doesn’t pursue that degree that kids are still not an option smacks of game playing. By the way, the husband totally supported the wife in the past two abortive attempts at advanced professional education – so it’s not like he’s selfishly career minded.
        D) I would like to have at least one pet, like I did before we met. On that point she concedes. It seems like a weak concession made because she feels bad about not wanting to become a parent based on previous statements that she doesn’t want domestic animals (dogs or cats). There is no enthusiasm there, meaning that it would be my pet. I have no problem with that by the way. While I will still likely pursue getting a dog – it is really too bad that it is unlikely to be a shared experience because instead of sharing my life with her, I will really be building my own life in many ways.
        E) All that I write here we have talked about before. I honestly want things to work due mostly to not wanting to start over and worrying that deep-sixing my current life for an uncertain future may lead me no closer to a family of my own, could severely set me back financially, and might cripple my ability to take care of my parents in their elder years. Although I still love her, I find myself doubting whether that is enough.

      • Rened March 3, 2015 at 1:14 am #

        message to HUBBY

        aaaaahhh, I get it now. I’m sorry for lashing out at you. I didnt understand the context. I’m someone who helps women with their fear of pregnancy and birthing and I come across some nasty men out there who arent even willing to have the chat. They want the baby but dont understand the fear associated with pregnancy and birthing and often dont attend classes when their wives are finally pregnant.

        I also assist women with PND and assist new parents cope with babies….yes new dads too and when replying to your comment….I came from a place of thinking you were amongst those who didnt give a hoot. Forgive me.

        I fully understand your position here. I’m sorry its come to this.

        May I suggest you still ask the question about whether or not she is not perhaps afraid and not willing to admit it……….do a relaxed dinner or a movie and bring up the chats on forum about fearful women etc and perhaps take it from there….

        I have a client who was raped and never told her husband and the fear of birthing normally was driving her insane…..the mere thought of being looked at and exposed during birthing brought her to tears and instead of coming out and telling him….she kept it to herself and tried to drive him away with all kinds of BS stories. He loved her and stuck it out and eventually she opened up.

        Today they have 2 kids :)
        One birthed by C section and the other a Vbac….her choice of course.

        There’s alot of fear around birthing and pregnancy and alot can go wrong. You seem loving enough and caring enough……..you also deserve to be happy.

        hope you find some common ground and happiness in your marriage……..It is sacred after all.

        Take care and once again – please accept my apology for lashing out. I fight for love and those who are afraid to speak up and the water gets a bit blurry sometimes. Sorry.

  7. Susan February 22, 2015 at 8:56 am #

    I’m coming in too late, but I will give my 2 cents. I’ve seen this so many times. One partner wants it, the other one is on the fence or doesn’t want it. With enough pressure, the woman falls pregnant where one of two things happens a) the woman falls hopelessly in love with her new baby but is too exhausted to give hubby attention and he feels like a second hand citizen. Or b) the woman hates motherhood and resents her husband for eternity. This is an absolute deal breaker. Don’t ever manipulate anyone to doing anything she/he doesn’t want. If he/she is not enough for you, then rather leave. I know I would hate parenting, I don’t need to be one to figure that out. If my partner came out the blue and wanted children all of a sudden.. I would miss him terribly.

    • Rene D February 23, 2015 at 4:41 am #

      Yes Susan I agree and applaud you – they want it but when its there – they get upset about not sleeping through the night and then after 6 weeks when your lady parts is apparently okay and you are not……. when sex is a no thank you I’m too tired and still very sore – they get all grumpy faced and “neglected” they blog about how they arent getting it and how we love the babies more than them and they talk to their friends about how blue their stuff gets!!

      what about how sore we still are and how run off our feet we are and how our hormones still challenge our santiy at 6 weeks and what about the fact that our boobs are still dripping milk at that time (so un-sexy)

      There needs to be more communication – there needs to be more real love and understanding.

      it has to come from love if we are ever going to fix this. Lets make hospital birthing safer and more friendly and maybe then………..
      lets treat birthing women with more respect and maybe then……….
      lets have better care of birthing women and maybe then……
      lets make pain relief available for every mommy and maybe then……
      lets give the fearful mommies the choice of c-sections and maybe then…….

      isnt it pathetic that men decide if their women should have an epidural or a c-section when its not them birthing 3.3kgs of human through their nether regions?
      Or the male doctor telling a woman who has involuntary vaginal spasms that she will birth through her lady parts and doesnt need a c section.

      Women need to speak up and birthing or bringing a child into the world has to come from a place of love. We have enough anger and hatred and resentment – babies deserve happy spaces.

      Please …………..do what it takes to bring back the love……lets try win win. Lets try – I love you – how can we do this together instead of I married you – here’s your ring – spread them when I need it and give me your eggs because even though I’m a douche bag – I deserve a kid and if you dont give it to me – I will cry to the world about it because even tho you will hurt alot more than me and I dont know what it all entails – I dont care – i want what I want – I married you remember ?


    • Annie February 23, 2015 at 10:12 am #

      I can relate to many of the women here. My man was very upset when I didnt want to have children at 36. I had a baby to try and keep us together because i loved him. I dont love him anymore though. I love our child. Like in a previous post read, the birth was horrible for me and he chose not to be in the delivery room. He decided at 7 months after talking with his mother that this was not a place he had to be. I became resentful and angry and bitter and was forced to have our baby alone with nasty midwives and hospital staff.

      We now have our child and I am suffering from depression. I also have flashbacks of my birthing experience but there’s not many people one can talk to about it. So his advances for sex is a direct no. I feel ugly, I’m tearful all the time and even through this, he thinks I am ready for sex after 8 weeks. I see the pain it causes him and I dont give a shit. He loves me and I loathe him. I hate him. I wish him dead I hate him so much. When he comes home I dont feed him. When he touches me I tell him to go f–k himself. Everyone says it will get better. I dont think so. I will never forgive him for leaving me alone. Thank you for being honest about what you went through because everyday he calls out for love I send him to his mother who had so much to say. She still has alot to say.

      Do I care if he walks out – no. Did he care that I was afraid and that as my husband he shouldve been there instead of listening to his mother and what his friends told him? Why do they get to choose whether or not they are in the delivery room? They get us pregnant. We have their babies. WTF can they choose but we have to lay there and take it? Be violated ? Endure horrible pain and horrible nurses and they just come and pick it up and its all happy to go again?

      They have alot to say and they feel alot until its there. Women go through it……and sometimes we go through it alone. They think they are there with us but they arent.

      I also take pleasure in leaving him with the child on a Saturday while I go out alone, wondering how I can end my life and just get away from it all. I come back whenever I feel like it. When he complains I tell him I did my time and he wanted a child so time to get busy taking care of it….I do it all during the week along with a half day job so him being tired ? what am I?

      I take pleasure in seeing him struggle with our baby at night because I dont get up. I take pleasure in him being tired for work and getting into trouble for not being prepared. Do I care if he looses his job? no. Did he care that I gave up my dreams, my friends, my life and my body for him and then left me to face a forcep delivery alone? no. so f*ck him.

      They think they know. They dont know.

      • Lydia May 10, 2015 at 10:17 pm #

        Annie your reply is harsh but it is exactly what needs to be said. You are no less of a human being for having the feelings you have than the woman who feels she is a proud mother of 3. Thank you for your bluntness. I am sorry this is the way you feel but you have helped someone who is feeling the pressure to become a mother. I fear I will resent my husband to the extent you resent your husband now. I fear I will lose him if I do not have children with him however, it sounds like being with someone you resent is a lot worse than simply being on my own.

        I have replied to Renee above and so I have been open on my reasons for not wanting to have children. I really feel your heartfelt (strong) comment is really in line with how a future me may feel about being “forced” (not really forced but guilted or whatever) to have children. Thank you for your brave reply here. Best regards and I hope you can overcome this incredibly difficult time in your life.

  8. Zo March 2, 2015 at 12:52 pm #

    Zo here,
    I have been following this thread for a while and I’m ready to open up about my situation and hopefully I can find the answer I need…
    I’m 38 and I have no kids; my wife is also 38 and she has 3 kids from previous relationships; we have been married for 5 years and we know each other for 8. She knew from the moment we started dating that I wanted to have kids of my own. We talked about having a kid together for many years… she has her tubes tied and a surgery would cost around $4,000 which isn’t a problem if we saved for a couple of months.
    Now we are at a crossroads in our relationship when she revealed to me (couple of days ago) that she no longer wants kids, period! We have even talked about adoption and she doesn’t even want that.
    One of her kids left our household around 2012 and the relationship between them isn’t the best. They only see each other a few times a year.
    She feel she cant bring a child into this marriage while she feels he has lost a child of her own. Her daughter is 23 and no longer leaves with us, her youngest is 14 and he lives with us 90% of the time.
    So, I’m not sure if I should stay with her and forget about having kids/or hoping that her relationship with her son grows again and she changes her mind about it, or if I should leave her and cut my loses. I know it sounds harsh but I feel she has washed her hands on the situation kinda leaving it all up to me. She says she loves me and I love her but Im not really sure if to love is enough. She says she doesn’t want to feel like she is holding me back from realizing my dream. I’m a professional and responsible individual and I know what I want. I want a child with her and nobody else and I have told her that but even than it isn’t enough. Now it all seems very confusing…

    So, do I stay and help her through this moment with her son and hope for the best or do I leave and chase a different relationship in which a child might never come?

  9. anna March 7, 2015 at 10:01 pm #

    Hi Renee,
    I am in the same situation. It is really hard. I love my husband but I am very unsure about the kid situation.

  10. Rahel March 11, 2015 at 3:14 pm #

    My situation is fairly similar. I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years and we have decided to get married later this year. Earlier in the relationship we agreed we both would want 2 kids. We have a 2 year old daughter together and I love her to death but I’m 100% sure I don’t want anymore children. Parenthood is more stressful than I anticipated and I don’t handle stress very well (I struggled with depression and borderline personality disorder for 7 years) and while I’m in a better place now I know another child would give me a mental breakdown.

    He is understanding about it all but he is dead set on having another child or maybe any number it takes to get a boy because he wants a son to carry on his name. While I respect and understand where he’s coming from I’m not changing my stance because I have to make the best decision for my mental health.

    But where does this leave us? Does this mean we are doomed to break up because we are so set in our stances? Does this mean if we get married we’ll just end up unhappy because of resentment. I don’t know what to do and we’ve talked but how do we concur this?

    • staggs April 29, 2015 at 4:14 pm #

      Hi Rahel,

      I wanted to give you some support with what your going through. Having 1 child had already traumatized me, so I understand a little about having the depression. It sounds even harder to having borderline personality too. You have gone through so much and in my opinion its not fair for your boyfriend to pressure you into having kids.

      I want to give you some inspiration, like just because your a Woman doesn’t mean you have to get married (or change your name) and/or have kids. Your a person with inherent worth and your opinion matters the most in your own life. Its perfectly reasonable and valid that people change their minds about things, its what we all do. Also regarding your boyfriends comment about having a son so he carries on his name…Anyone can choose to keep their name the same or change it. It doesn’t matter if the person is a woman or man. I have kept my name the same in marriage, just as my spouse kept his same name in marriage. We chose for our kids to have both our last names, because we are both their parents. I am not trying to talk you into doing what our family does. I just wanted to show you that you can choose anything you want and any life you want. And if someone is stopping you from living the life you want, or pressuring you into a life you dont want, then that person deserves to be left behind. No one knows your own life better than you, you are your best advocate.

  11. staggs April 29, 2015 at 3:55 pm #

    I thought this was a great article. Reading the question and the response of those people really helped me in my own life too.

    I am coming from more of the wife’s perspecitive. I didnt want kids but agreed to it to make my husband happy. For a time I even thought maybe this is what I want too. Now we have 2 kids who are 2 and 6months(failed bc). As soon as I gave birth to our son I was traumatized and resented being a parent. That resentment hasn’t gone away, and its only getting worse. Because we cant afford daycare, I am the main caretaker. We can’t afford me going back to school, because we cant afford daycare, and we cant go on dates to spend child-free time together, because we cant afford babysitting. I am trapped living a life I don’t want to live. I have thought of suicide, but I would rather give our kids up for adoption, so we can have a happy life again. My husband doesn’t want to, so we are at an impass. Either we give them up through an open adoption, or I will start going through divorce preceedings. Life is too short to be stuck with someone who has different plans. So for the person who asked the question, I feel we are both in the same spot because the resentment for being denied a life that makes you happy, is soul crushing. We both deserve happiness.

  12. Rene D May 11, 2015 at 4:52 am #

    Men need to understand the fear and anxiety that comes with pregnancy and birthing. Its not just a matter of popping out a little person…there are real risks and real concerns and women go through many things while pregnant and birthing.

    Many are still dying from pregnancy and birthing. Many are still complaining of bad treatment in hospitals while being at their most vulnerable. There is a huge increase in Tokophobia and some have gone on to show symptoms of PTSD when they think about their birthing experiences. This is not about making a man happy or giving him what he wants…….this is about honoring your soul and doing what’s right for you.

    I have my own kinds and I love them and its taken a long, very long time and hard work to get over my traumatic birth. my little one is more than 8 years old and I’ve struggled emotionally too, so I fully understand all this fear.

    My man was treated like an absolute dog after my first one. I hated him so much I picked a fight with him over trivial things just to emotionally destroy him at times. I belittled him out of the blue for no reason. Insulted him infront of friends to make him feel small. Left him to take care of himself many times and prayed he would die too. The hatred and resentment runs deep and men dont get it. Hell hath no fury ….yip …force a woman into birthing and spread eagle infront of strangers while her bodily functions are not hers to control and she didnt want it? you will taste the fury of hell for years. Its okay to say – aaaah once its there then its all worth it. The fact is – the fears are not being addressed.

    I challenge every man who really wants a baby from his woman to do something today and everyday to make birthing in hospitals safer.

    I challenge every man out there who really thinks babies and women who have their babies are special to do something – anything to ensure pregnant and birthing women are treated with love and respect in hospitals….and no – I’m not talking birth classes for yourself. I’m talking about using your desire to go out there and make a difference in a world where men are even in charge of how we birth……

    Get the birthing thing right and perhaps women wont be so afraid………

    I teach safe birthing now – but wow – it still surprises me how men dont have a clue about what is happening in their women’s minds or the fear women face around this.

    Don’t just jump into this – talk about it please people. Forced pregnancies can destroy a marriage or union and the child usually suffers in the end too. So you if you really love children….make sure they dont get hurt AFTER the deed.

  13. Ron June 10, 2015 at 8:48 pm #

    I’m in the same boat. I want to have children and my wife doesn’t. I’m stressed out as I’m 38 now and my wife is 36. Every time we bring this issue it ends up with an argument. I’m sick of it. I’ve been with this woman for 15 years now and our relationship is fading away. I have no hope in hell.
    I don’t know any better than being in a relationship because I have been with my wife for so long. I’m speechless, heartbroken and helpless. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I should exit from this relationship, is it too late? God show me a way please!!!

    • Lydia June 10, 2015 at 9:32 pm #

      Ron I am genuinely sorry you are going through this. I fear your comment could easily be my husband’s comment/concern in just a few short years. I would want my husband to of course stay with me but I don’t believe I have the right to force my will on him. My husband I think believes I will change my mind but in your case you have been with your wife for 15 years and she has yet to change her mind. I honestly believe that if you will not be “fulfilled” until you are a father than I think you will resent your wife for the rest of your life but you must know your wife could just as easily resent you for the rest of your life for “making” her have a baby she didn’t want. If you don’t believe me please read previous comments from Rene D and the resentment and anger she feels towards her husband.

      I read an article the other day about a husband and wife and the husband didn’t want children after all and the wife said she would rather be with her husband without children vs with someone else with children. I think that is a very simple but truthful way to look at things. Can you be with your wife childless or can you see yourself with another woman who will give you children. I wish you all the best with your life.

  14. Lydia June 10, 2015 at 9:18 pm #

    In addition to my two previous comments explaining my fears of being pregnant and becoming a mother I also think I should add that my only sibling (my baby brother, only 23) passed away two years ago. To be honest the more I think about the pain and depression that caused the more I put myself in my mother’s shoes. I cannot imagine losing a child. Everyone tells me “you cannot live your life in fear of the unknown” but all those people still have their sibling(s). It’s something I explain to my husband but he just won’t talk about it with me. Ultimately I’m afraid he’s going to leave me because I simply couldn’t/wouldn’t give him children. I wish it wasn’t this difficult for me, I wish I longed to be a mother but I just don’t and I pray I don’t lose my husband over it.

    • Sofia October 26, 2015 at 1:19 pm #

      If you lose him over this it’s bc he was not the right man for you. Let him go. Maybe later down the road after he has tasted the blessed sorrows of parenthood, he looks back to what he had with you with painful longing.

  15. Sarah June 29, 2015 at 6:55 am #

    Wow…. I have read all the responses and they really apply to what I’m going through currently. My husband and I have been married for 5 years now and when we had dated I had always thought that I wanted children. “Because that’s just what people do.” I am now 35 and my husband is 34. We’ve discussed having a baby and we always come up with no resolution, always wanting to address it later. Like, maybe later I’ll change my mind or all of a sudden I’ll feel a desperate need to have a child. My husband really wants a baby and I do not. I’ve tried to change my mind but I can’t. The whole entirety of having a child to me is daunting. The thought of it makes me feel like claustrophobic, like walls are closing in and really that I would be In a private hell. I feel like having a child would just be like having another chore to do. I don’t think that if I feel this way I should be a mother. I worry about resenting my husband, whom I love dearly now but I could see that happening. We both work full time and I am the breadwinner. Me not working would not be an option, ever! And even if I didn’t work I still don’t think I would want a child. I already do the majority of the housework and play the part of a handyman. I can’t imagine having a child and still do all of that! Also while losing the baby weight and still keeping myself together, so to speak. I also struggle with guilt because of our parents who would also like a grand baby. I wish that the man had to carry the child and I could be the passenger!

  16. macbaloni June 29, 2015 at 11:16 pm #

    Sorry and i know how you must feel. Im in a situation where i’ve got the woman of my dreams. I love her dearly and we were roommates for some time before we became a couple. She had a baby as a roommate and raised her child in my home. I was always i love with her but never had the courage to take things farther. I ended up married to a woman that I absolutely could not stand over time. And thoughts of the woman of my dreams would haunt me in my sleep. Well one day we started talking on Facebook and we became a couple I treat her son as my own but just something deep inside me would love nothing more then to have a connection a bond of a child between us but she has absolutely no interest in having a child. It’s very hard. I love her more then my own selfish feelings but its hard knowing that one day i will die and she will live on connected with another man’s seed while i will just parish from eternity. Something just doesn’t sit well with me knowing that when i marry her another man has a forever bond that I will never be able to have it really doesn’t seem fair.

  17. Annabell July 16, 2015 at 10:36 pm #

    Wow…..I read everything in here and seriously, I respect and appreciate everyone for their opinion and how they feel in this situation. For me, I have been married for almost 3 years now and moving in to a new country to join my husband was not fun at all, I had a real good life when we were on a long distant relationship but now that we leave under the same roof, I got to know my husband for who he really is. I wanted to have a child with him but deep inside, I know he is not a right man to have a child with after observing the way he is and how he treats me and what he thinks of life in general. I feel like I could really hate him or just live him if we have a child. I have spoken to him about it and he even said he doesn’t ask for much but only two kids since he gives me almost everything which is not entirely true and with his statement I feel betrayed, I gave up everything, my job and the life I knew to join him, I have been stressed out in a new country with a shitty part time jobs and never had debt before but since I moved here, I already accumulate debts because he cant really take care of two people. In other words, we have debts and bringing a child is just another bad move for us. I am in school now, trying to upgrade myself so I can get a good job and he is asking me to get pregnant while I am in school. Sometimes I feel like men are so selfish and they just dont know how it hurts if you are a career driven woman with a purpose in life, you need some security and get your independent back, not to be tied down with a kid, have lot of debts ,especially when I am about to graduate in less than 4 months, he wants a child like its a cake to be ordered from the factory.

    It is sad and with things that goes on in my life, I know for a fact I don’t want to have kids with him because he proves to that he is not capable or mature enough to consider my feelings on this situation. I have been depressed for 2 years, trying to get a job. So now that I am getting education,….he wants a baby……..I will never understand men sometimes and what they think but I know there are some wonderful men out there so I wont drag all men as unreasonable.

    With that being said, I want few men to understand that its not just about you wanting a baby or that your partner doesn’t want a baby with you. It is obviously things that are affecting a woman as well, her feelings on this and she knows that if you make me do this to please you, I will never be happy with you or she sees the situation to be fatal. Just try to talk to your partner deep, try to understand and most importantly ….listen and open your eyes to see what you can do better or if its not meant to be, accept it or if you cant, you can move on because not all women will get pregnant or a men can get a woman pregnant, I know men have thought of something like what if I cant or what if she cant get pregnant. Talk to your partner, resolve it and reach a mutual agreement.

    I wish all of you good luck and I hope my input on my situation can make someone understand.

  18. Darla Ng August 5, 2015 at 10:05 pm #

    I didn’t want children, but my husband forced them on me. I’m still angry 39 years later because it ruined my life.

  19. Adriana October 25, 2015 at 8:03 pm #

    I don`t agree with Cathie that you should ask yourself which means more to you, a childless marriage or becoming a father. Instead you should ask yourself this: Did I get married for having a kid or because I love this woman? This is the correct question you should ask yourself, I think it is silly to get married just to have children. You can have children with the first woman you meet tomorrow in the street, it can be anybody. But you marry with someone for their qualities, for their resemblance to your personality. Don`t you have a nephew or a niece? there are other ways to involve children in your life. What if your wife can`t have kids? Do you divorce?!

  20. Liza December 6, 2015 at 7:15 am #

    I am so happy i found this website and read all your comments! It makes me feel like i am not alone…
    My husband of 2 years has just left me because i didn’t want to have a child. I did however make it clear before the wedding that i wasn’t ready for motherhood and i could’t guarantee if i would ever be ready to go down that lane. Despite that, and the fact that i couldn’t conceive naturally, he still decided to marry me, hoping that over time he could pressure me into changing my mind and agree to go with surrogacy – something he has been attempting to do for the past 2 years. But i simply could’t imagine myself in the role of a mother, putting years of my life into something i didn’t want to do, and ultimately making my husband as well as the unborn child miserable.
    I stand by my decision, although the divorce is now inevitable, thanks to him dumping me. I loved him very dearly, and still do, but i just can’t be a mother.
    My heart goes out to women who feel that they have been mistreated by men and pressured into motherhood. I am totally with you in my thoughts.
    Thank you for all your comments, and for giving me hope in the world where women like myself still have hard time fitting in!

    Love and Blessings !

    • Line G December 12, 2015 at 12:25 am #

      Hey Liza-
      I too am divorced. Our separation happened 8yrs ago (divorce 6yrs ago). The delay was due to his move overseas. He also never did paperwork… Anyway just wanted to say that it will get better. (My 10yr wedding anniversary was this year- totally forgot about it then laughed cos I’m so happy where I am now.)

      In my case it was mainly over kids but there was a whole lot more involved… he knew on date 2 it was highly unlikely I could get pregnant. He knew my career was really important to me and there were copious opportunities, he even said multiple times my career was the more important. (I earned then and now do a lot more than he did.) We’d had the discussions well before engagement much less marriage about childcare etc etc etc. (My field, lots of travel long hours etc, doesn’t have much maternity leave but his work was far more flexible along with him not needing to work at all.) I thought we were happy. Sadly pregnancy didn’t happen as fast as he wanted and he wouldn’t entertain at all adopting any child. Let’s just say a lot changed. The relationship was over at his end well and truly before he was unfaithful while we were still married. Yet finding out (after separation) that fact (during a work medical screen for stis/stds no less) I wasn’t angry.

      I was relieved actually. I’ve had a lot of time to think since then about what I want and who I am. Incidentally I’m able to get pregnant (late 30s) now… go figure. He’s had 2 kids and has a stay at home wife.

      As a woman we all make our life choices and what works for one may not for another. But I celebrate every woman’s choice even if it’s not one I want. Whether I meet someone or not kids will be my choice… and yes I’ve been privy to these conversations with friends about births from he’ll, but I just love where my life is now.

      Of course not being subjected to completely romance less sex has also meant sex since the separation has been a lot more fun. It was so underwhelming to hear “you just lie back anyway even if you’re not interested”. And yep as someone sexually assaulted in my teens hearing that from the husband wasn’t fun.

      Having helped other friends (with kids) through divorces too it’s been fascinating just how relaxed friends are as single parents with the predominant childcare. The time the kids are with Dad they also get a break of at least a week or more to themselves. Dad either gets it or gets nannies about just how hard their wife worked.

      Children are only a joy if they know they’re wanted. Too many kids know they’re not wanted. (My mother finally admitted she only had me for my Dad. Explained why no matter how hard I worked I couldn’t make her happy. I made peace with that when I left home at 19 incidentally. But my Mum didn’t get all the chances to live that I’ve had. She was the most supportive of my divorce but waited until 10yr mark to tell me about the kid thing with my dad.) I feel so sad for my Mum despite the fact that I’m obviously grateful to be here. She could have aborted me of course but that still would’ve been her choice.

      My sister’s birth experience was so similar to others here…. her husband was useless and also absent due to his mum. Frankly she’s divorced, he’s an equally useless dad to my niece, but my sister’s moved on. Her current guy is is a total gem with kids of his own that he treasures and best of all? She wants his kids… he only wants what’s best for her.

      Good luck everyone.

      • lizavegangirl May 26, 2016 at 9:37 pm #

        This is a reply to Line G,

        Just read your comment – i must have missed it before! Sorry about that!
        Thank you so much for your words of support, and for opening up about your life. It means a lot to me, and to many of us out there, who are going through similar things in life. As you have mentioned before: it gets better! We just have to stay true to who we are.

        Love and best wishes,


  21. Erica March 31, 2016 at 9:24 pm #

    Your wife changed her mind. She didn’t do it to spite you. She didn’t try to trick you into marrying her. She simply changed her mind. You need to ask yourself how much you actually love this woman. From a woman’s perspective… The thought of being pregnant is extremely frightening. There are so many things that could potentially go wrong and it’s not “pleasant” at all. If the male was the one who had to use his body, perhaps his opinion would be different. Did you marry this woman just to have kids?

  22. Allyssa May 25, 2016 at 11:23 pm #

    I am incredibly glad to have found this thread. At 19 years old I entered marriage with my husband favoring the idea of having children with him. A single year later, I started to rethink it. I liked the idea of children more than actually having them. I hadn’t said anything to him yet. Then an accidental pregnancy happened. I was terrified. I was angry (not at anyone/thing in particular). We spoke about it, and I made it very clear I did not want it, but he did. We talked about terminating the pregnancy, because we both knew we weren’t ready, emotionally or financially. He said he’d rather I keep it, but understood if I didn’t want it, since it was my body. I could tell how upset he would be if I got an abortion, so I kept it, even though it was the exact opposite of what I wanted.

    I cannot even describe my relief when I miscarried at 6-7 weeks. I don’t think I have been happier than I was in that moment with an IV in my arm sitting in copious amounts of blood with a doctor and my brother-in-law by my side (my husband was at work and there was no way of getting a hold of him at that time). Those 6-7 weeks were the most miserable weeks of my life. I was typically unsure if I was 100% against having children, but after that experience, I am absolutely positive I don’t want to submit myself to that ever again. I had just a tiny taste of what pregnancy is like, and I do not want main course.

    He will occasionally joke about hypothetical children to me, and I’ll joke back about having dogs instead. He mentioned that he was bothered by me saying that. I haven’t said verbatim “I no longer want children” to him yet, but I am terrified to bring it up. I love him with all my heart, and I am afraid of him suddenly deciding that his desire for children in the future is worth more my happiness and our marriage. We will have been married for two years come July. I know our marriage is still very young, and I have “plenty of time to prepare,” but I know for a fact that in 10 years when I’m 31, I’m still not going to want children.

    My reasoning isn’t just based on my experience before the miscarriage, either. I truly believe that I will be an unfit parent. I can hardly take care of myself properly most days. I forget to eat (sometimes for days), I still suffer from depression and anxiety, and I know that I will end up raising the child by myself and taking all of the responsibility because of his work schedule.

    I have decided that if, when I do finally tell him about it, he tells me that having children is a must for him and I’ll just have to deal with it, I will have no problem taking my dog and moving back to my hometown.

    • Liza May 26, 2016 at 9:07 pm #

      Dear Alyssa,

      I am so with you on this! This is my 2nd post: 1st was about 6 months ago when my husband of 2 years left me because i didn’t want to become a mother. We are currently going through divorce proceedings, but it’s going smoothly so far.
      It’s been a difficult 6 months, but i am doing fine, and i am actually relieved that i don’t have him pressuring me into motherhood any longer ( he is a bit of a dictator ). I also believe that he didn’t truly love me, he just thought he did. He and his parents are on a baby mission and they wouldn’t stop at anything. I really don’t want to be a part of it. I have my beloved pet companion, my parents and a few good friends, and working keeps me going.

      I really want to believe that your husband will make the right choice, which is to stay with you no matter what. The fact that you are both so young is a bonus, because it’s much harder for a 40 year old man to change his perspective, than if he is in his 20s. And i commend you for being prepared for ‘the worst’, and realizing that would not be the end of the world. I have met couples that had similar situation at some point in their life, and they decided to stick together for better, or for worse. When it comes to motherhood, i believe we have to put ourselves first, because having a child for someone else is just wrong!

      Take good care of yourself ! Best of luck to you and your husband !


  23. J August 19, 2016 at 9:46 pm #

    Wow. A lot of really good comments on her . I’m currently 31, bf is 32. We got together almost 3 years ago. I have a 4 year old who he’s been an amazing bonus dad to. When we got together I wanted another child, but now things have changed. A lot went wrong with my last pregnancy and gave birth at 32 weeks and the baby had a 6 week NICU stay. I used to have a great support system but that’s not the case with the bf. Both of our families are addicts, not mentally stable, and there is even a convicted sex offender step father now. My kid now has family for support, this would not be the case with another child. I’m about to graduate college and start a career I’ve worked the last 6 years on (will still have another year after this degree though). With both of our medical histories, no family to count on, and things like this I’m just not interested in another kid. Plus I love my life the way it is now and don’t want to change it, at all. My bf is upset, understandably, but my mind is made up. Sometimes stuff changes but this decision will not change. After my last birth and being hospitalized after my baby FINALLY came home from the NICU (4 days for an infection, whereas I was only in the hospital for 1 day for emergency csection) I’m just not interested in doing it all over again . Plus having ANOTHER kid to fight with over dinner and bed time. I can’t do it.

    • Vita Lule September 16, 2016 at 11:43 pm #

      I am amazed with all of women’s coments absolutely amazed, what gift is been given to them and they refuse to take it, i longed for 35 years to have a baby at whole costs and never received anything but tears, i am speechless why would it been you that do not want children in my place???

      • C November 27, 2016 at 9:38 am #

        Bravo, bravo to all the no-kids ladies. I’m seventy and decided way back when (at age 12 mind you) that pregnancy and motherhood was not for me – the whole process just grossed me out not to mention the money spent. I never looked back and still feel I’ve missed nothing. Nothing. If you feel this way in your 30’s it’s likely your decision is already made by your gut – do not second guess your feelings like some posters here have done. The result is depression medication, anxiety, and a huge loss of income – all of it going to that screaming little mouth that keeps you up at night and sops up all your time

  24. Fred January 26, 2017 at 3:50 am #

    I want a divorce. I married my wife because she wanted my child. She had one child at 16 and I married her at 35. She aborted two times without my consent. I have plenty of money, but she has spent hundreds of thousands supporting her son, even at the age of 30. He has two children (my wife’s grandchildren), two houses, many cars, the best things MY money can buy. I can’t take it anymore! Last week she gave the 2 yo beluga caviar ($450/ ounce). Can I divorce for mental cruelty?

  25. Valentina March 10, 2017 at 8:12 pm #

    I’m like the other ladies here. Married for 15 years and husband wants a baby, but I don’t. Since I was a child I knew I did not want kids. I grew up seeing my mother stressed with housework, work and kids. I had not have a good experience growing up in a stressed environment and sometimes feeling unwanted. I do appreciate what my mother did to take care of me and my siblings, and do not blame her for not wanting kids. I understand now she was not prepared for that or maybe she did not want kids, but she probably had the social pressure that we can still see nowadays.

    I married the best and lovely person I know and thought I would like to have babies one day, that this desire could grow on me, but it didn’t. My husband wants to have them. His family too. I feel very bad for him. I know he is depressed because I don’t have the same feeling. We had so many arguments… I am not currently working because I moved to another country with him and do not have permission to work. I don’t have family nor friends close to me (sometimes it is for a good reason, some of them keep asking me for kids). I don’t have anybody who I can reach to talk about anything. I do fear my husband leaving me because of that. What would I do? No money, no relatives, no friends, but with pressure of having a baby. I have anxiety just to think about being pregnant. I do love him from the bottom of my heart and sometimes think I should give him a baby, but I know that I would die inside and perhaps my kids would feel how I felt as a kid. Was it good for me? No, so probably it would not be good for them. Will it be good for my husband? I don’t know, but probably yes, since he does not share my perspective. He thinks he will make the good out of it. I know he would continue his work schedule and I would need to deal with the kid that I don’t want to have.

    To answer the initial question, it depends of how much you want kids. Some people are so desperate to have kids, that it does not matter with whom they will share the parenthood. Do you love your wife to the point of leaving fatherhood aside? Or do you think it is better to have kids?

    We cannot have everything we want in life. So many things I wish were different, but they are not. I wish I could share the same desire and excitement about kids and make my husband happy. I wish people stop asking couples when they are gonna have kids. I wish people stop saying you can only be happy with kids. I wish all women could have a better support to stand on their decisions without fearing the future.


  1. Figuring Out If You’re With “The One” | The Hudsucker - August 7, 2015

    […] having children cannot come up for the first time after you are married. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting, or not wanting children. No partner wants to feel like they are depriving the other of something significant, and kids are […]

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