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The Hudsucker is an online magazine made up of unique and dedicated writers with fresh voices from across the country and overseas. Our team of writers are passionate and driven, bringing forth their personalities in each article. Since its inception in 2012, The Hudsucker has continuously proven how writing is our strongest fingerprint. By creating a smart and ambitious environment for readers, the digital magazine focusing on popular culture aims to be relatable through experiences and passions.

He Said, She Said: ‘The Friend Zone’ vs. Patience and Self-Love

This week we have a question that gently touches three different aspects of relationships. One of which is the dreaded ‘friend zone’, best described in popular culture as a platonic relationship that contains no romantic entanglements. This stems from one of the parties involved wanting more, while the other does not. Though many talk about the ‘friend zone’, there is also a little thing called ‘patience’ and ‘self-love’ that one should focus on before thinking of, or diving into a relationship.

Image Credit: Getty Images/nullplus

Image Credit: Getty Images/nullplus

Wikipedia describes the term, the ‘friend zone‘ as a undesirable situation for the lovelorn individual, as once a relationship hits the ‘friend zone’ it’s very hard to move up and take it to the next level. You’ve probably seen it with your group of friends or even experienced it, but it’s definitely not a place anyone with an open heart wants to be even if it’s a very common situation.

How do you avoid the ‘friend zone’? Well, it would require taking risks because most times, getting sucked into such a vortex is a result of playing too safe or being too passive. With that in mind, never compromise yourself if it feels wrong. Nothing good comes out of depressing yourself over something that most times require time and patience.

The dating circuit isn’t a race with hopes of finding the best suitor as soon as you meet someone you’re interested in. The more patient you can be with yourself, the more patient you will be in your quest for finding the right person at the right time. Timing is a crucial component in the success of any relationship and even with the ‘friend zone’ intact, you never know the possibilities that lie ahead when you just lay back and not worry too much about finding ‘the’ perfect relationship. It might be slim chances with regards of the ‘friend zone’ fizzling out, but with any relationship you create, slowly but surely it could grow into something you least expect. Patience is one of the keys to a successful relationship because without it, you won’t get what you want out of life.

Another key, quite possibly the most important is ‘self-love‘. Before heading into any relationship, one must be able love themselves in order to love another. If you don’t love yourself first, you’re going to create an imbalance and disharmony between your mind and heart. That imbalance will then emit off to others and show them who you are inside. By taking care of  your needs first and not worrying about others or being in a relationship, you’re appreciating yourself and loving who you are without any attachments. Those who are able to love themselves are the ones who tend to know what they feel, think or want most without others bringing forth any decision or choice for them.

By practicing ‘self-love‘, you are bringing a greater awareness to who you are, and by being patient with attracting relationships, you’re caring for yourself and letting everything work its own way.

This week we hear from Kallie of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania who is wondering why she’s not enough for men as they peg her as the ‘friend’ and never the ‘girlfriend’. While it’s perfectly natural to desire a relationship, our writers help Kallie and give advice on her situation.

He Said She Said - Kallie June 12 2013

Stephen says…

I know exactly how you feel Kallie. When I was still living the single life, I was never the one that was a hit with the opposite sex. Girls never had a problem with me, they thought I was nice, funny and good to talk to. However, I was never the object of desire, and often ended up in the friend-zone as a result. In reality, the answer you are looking for is a difficult one, and in all honesty is practically intangible. I know this isn’t exactly what you want to hear, but it is the truth.

Although, I met a girl one day, and we just clicked. Within 4 months we were living together, and now – 8 and a half years – we are married and have a house together. I guess what I am trying to say is that, it may feel difficult now, but some day you will find someone you will click with – I guess that sounds a little like a fairy tale….

There is nothing wrong with you, I’m sure, it’s just you haven’t met the right person. You said it yourself; you are young. You have the rest of your life ahead of you, so why not take the time you have now for you. It tends to be when you stop looking that things start to happen. I hope this helps.

Tania says…

Kallie, I agree with Stephen. While this is a difficult dilemma to wrap your head around and wonder about, it’s all about timing. That’s something I truly believe in. If you stop looking for someone to date and ultimately end up with, you’re going to find yourself more content and happy when that special someone does pop into your lap. There is nothing wrong with you. I can understand how the rejection from dating can weigh both men and women down and have us doubt ourselves and worth, but it’s not about you. It’s about them and if they can’t see how great and nice you are, then that’s their loss.

Similarly to Stephen, I’ve experienced that “friend zone” situation. It’s not easy to deal with but one day, when I stopped looking, Mr. Right fell into my lap. Details aside, it was a great relationship; we were perfect for each other, but unfortunately things didn’t work out for me and him because it was his problem and not mine. And that’s my point. Maybe you’re ready for a steady relationship but the men you’re seeking out are not ready for the type you want, and can’t live up to that expectation. From the sound of it, you have a big heart and are eager to involve yourself in a relationship but don’t rush these things. A friend of mine once told me that the more you keep pushing for something that factors in with time, the more it just takes a toll on you, your esteem and psyche, and then doesn’t exactly work out the way you plan.

With being so young, you do have your whole life ahead of you and need not worry about finding Mr. Right at the moment. If you take time away and distract yourself from this aspect of your life, when the time is right, things will fall into place because you are doing absolutely nothing wrong.

When the time is right, the right guy, who is meant for you will come into your life without you even realizing it.

Drew says…

Hey Kallie, firstly let me say, I totally get what you’re going through, and that sucks. I think that the other guys have made some great points.

One thing that I’d like to try and say from my experience is, there is someone out there; and they tend to only come along when you aren’t looking for them. I don’t know why it is, but it seems a fact of the universe that when you’re single and looking for an honest long term relationship, you don’t find anyone, but when you go for a quick drink after work with a friend; or to a party with people you don’t know, you find the person you marry.

The sooner you realize that you are a fun girl and that guys don’t know what they’re missing, the sooner you’ll start having fun, and stop worrying about it all.

You’re far better off like this, than stuck with some guy who doesn’t deserve you.

Don’t see this as a time to settle for any guy who looks your way, instead try and remember that good things come to those who wait. All the best, and let us know how you get on.

Ashleigh says…

Hi Kallie, first of all, let me start out by saying WOOO PITTSBURGH.  That city holds a special place in my heart. So clearly there’s nothing wrong with you, since you hale from the land of steel.

Anyway, to get to your main concern, let me just reiterate what I said before, with all seriousness, that there really isn’t anything wrong with you.  People are funny things; we give off the impression that there’s a common factor that we like to see in other people, and then we spend our entire lives trying to live up to this expectation that everyone else seems to have for each other, and it just results in a lot of us just feeling really insecure about ourselves.  Where’s the sense in that?

It’s great to hear that you take care of yourself; physical health and fitness are so important, and not just because they make us aesthetically pleasing.  It keeps our bodies in working order so that we have the ability to take advantage of the many, many wonderful things that life throws at us… as well as the occasionally not so wonderful things.  I certainly hope that you take care of yourself for yourself, though, and not for the simple fact that it might help you land a date.  So often we focus on the physical parts of ourselves in order to seem more desirable to others, but there’s so much more to it than that.  Do you take care of yourself mentally?  Emotionally?  Do you feel like, in a realistic scenario, you could support the emotional well being of another person if you were to find yourself in a relationship?

We get so wrapped up in worrying about people liking us, that sometimes we forget to stop and like ourselves.  Do you think you’re pretty?  Do you like spending time with yourself?  Before you stop to consider anyone else in this scenario, stop to consider the idea that maybe you may not be holding yourself in high enough esteem.  Questions like ‘What am I doing wrong?’ and ‘Why am I not enough?’ make me think that maybe you’ve been dwelling on this for so long that you’ve stopped catering to your own feelings along the way.

It’s terribly cliché, but I think it is as such for a reason: you’ve got to love yourself before you can ever start to love someone else, and if you don’t have that inner confidence and self worth, it radiates to the people around you.  Guys can pick up on that; trust me.  It’s like their 6th sense or something.  And I’m not trying to pin you down as a girl with low self esteem, but I really do think that you could benefit from really spending time with yourself and figuring out what you love about yourself.  Once you figure that out, then maybe everyone else will start seeing it, too.

Good luck Kallie, and Go Steelers!

If you seek advice from our writers, email us at thehudsuckerblog@gmail.com! Perhaps your question will be featured in our next installment.

While our team of writers have given their advice with the best of intentions, they nor anyone of this site assume responsibility for your actions or the results of them.

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  1. He Said, She Said: ‘The Friend Zone’ vs. Patience and Self-Love | westlifebunny - August 28, 2013

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